ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.
ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.
ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin
APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.
CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.
DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.
DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for failure.
DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain— the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A.
HABIT, n. A shackle for the free.
HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage.
HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.
IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
IMMORTALITY, n. A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.
IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.
IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.
INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich.
MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism.
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency.
MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
NEGRO, n. The pièce de resistance in the American political problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, appears to give an unsatisfactory solution.
NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.
ONCE, adv. Enough.
OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes.
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery.
REALLY, adv. Apparently.
REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.
RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.